it's a little bit funny...

This feeling inside. It's hard to characterize exactly what it is. I feel mostly overwhelmed with sadness, which is interrupted every few weeks by a state of euphoria.  The euphoria is usually caused by the thought of what I am going through, not the actual experience itself. The thought that everything is, or at least should be, going so perfectly in life right now. The thought that I am in the best year(s) of my life:  I just graduated from college, landed an amazing job, have  a loving boyfriend of three years, and have gotten the chance to see my family three times in the last month due to the constant celebration. As I think of all that I am grateful for, I float away in my elated state of mind.

 

But as soon as I stop thinking about how wonderful everything should be and begin to experience life, I am smacked in the face with reality.  I feel anxious and worthless. Now that I don't consistenly have something to do, I struggle to keep myself occupied. I insult myself by remaining uptight and time orientated, which only brings to my attention how little I have to do. My feelings conflict: all I want is a time to relax, but I can't seem to stop moving. 

 

Time is not the only thing my mind cannot decide on. I always want to be surrounded by people, yet I just want to keep to myself. I want to be with my boyfriend forever, but instinctively, a part of me retreats out of fear. Somehow, the things that used to bring me so much fulfillment, seem so shallow and petty as I enter the "real" world. I guess this is what it feels like to be in the middle. Caught in the middle between work and play; between Sacramento and Los Angeles; between my sanity and my drive; between youth and adulthood; between past and future. Sappy. Yes, that's what this feeling is-- caught between sad and happy.

 

College has taught me how to work and be social, but I have yet to learn about the imperfections, the uncategorized, and the uncertain. I need to learn to embrace life and all of its rough transitions because I am certain this is not the only time I will feel sappy, it's just the first.

primetime baby!

Graduation, as many of you may know or expect, is a time filled with mixed emotions. Personally, I have tried to block out all the feelings of anxiousness and sadness by remaining permadrunk all weekend. Now that my four day binge is finally coming to an end, I have a moment to reflect on what was, what is, and what is to come. 

The last five years have been amazing. I have learned so much--not only as a professional but as an individual. College has opened my eyes to the privileges I have been given, and it has made me want to work harder because of how fortunate I am. I have developed new interests, new friends, and finally- a backbone. I feel strong, confident, intelligent, and ready to step out into the real world. I feel so grateful and loved. While I know college is a privilege for the truly dedicated, I believe everyone should strive to go to college. It has made me who I am today and has put so much more meaning into life.  It has given me the sense that I can accomplish anything and the desire to give back.

I believe that if everyone were educated, the world would truly be a better place. As a nation, we would understand the importance of being informed and opinionated, which hopefully would lead us to be more proactive. We would understand the suffering of other people and be less judge-mental. We would recognize that our time is much more valuable than watching reruns of Jersey Shore or The Real Housewives, and we would become more intimate. We would understand the beauty of the world, other languages, and other cultures, and thus, travel more. We would recognize our potential and worth, and continually strive to be the best possible version of ourself. And while I am certainly proud to say that I have graduated with an engineering degree, I think what I learned about myself along the way is much more valuable. 

As for what is and what is to come? Well that’s where the mixed emotions begin to start. I have a job here in SLO, which means I will stay in this small college town and wave as I watch everyone of my friends drive off. I will be surrounded by incoming freshman as I try to establish myself as a young professional, and I will still be hours away from my loved ones. I won’t have the joy of seeing my friends in class everyday, nor will I be able to make fun of my teachers ridiculous comments. So as excited as I am to start my new job and the next chapter of my life, I am saddened; however, I am always brought back to reality when I think of what is to come. Five years ago, I would have never pictured myself at Cal Poly, and it now turns out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. College was everything I dreamed for and so much more. What is to come after that? I can only imagine, but by judging from past experiences, I have a feeling it won’t be too shabby. After all, I’m only 23...it’s primetime baby!