This feeling inside. It's hard to characterize exactly what it is. I feel mostly overwhelmed with sadness, which is interrupted every few weeks by a state of euphoria. The euphoria is usually caused by the thought of what I am going through, not the actual experience itself. The thought that everything is, or at least should be, going so perfectly in life right now. The thought that I am in the best year(s) of my life: I just graduated from college, landed an amazing job, have a loving boyfriend of three years, and have gotten the chance to see my family three times in the last month due to the constant celebration. As I think of all that I am grateful for, I float away in my elated state of mind.
But as soon as I stop thinking about how wonderful everything should be and begin to experience life, I am smacked in the face with reality. I feel anxious and worthless. Now that I don't consistenly have something to do, I struggle to keep myself occupied. I insult myself by remaining uptight and time orientated, which only brings to my attention how little I have to do. My feelings conflict: all I want is a time to relax, but I can't seem to stop moving.
Time is not the only thing my mind cannot decide on. I always want to be surrounded by people, yet I just want to keep to myself. I want to be with my boyfriend forever, but instinctively, a part of me retreats out of fear. Somehow, the things that used to bring me so much fulfillment, seem so shallow and petty as I enter the "real" world. I guess this is what it feels like to be in the middle. Caught in the middle between work and play; between Sacramento and Los Angeles; between my sanity and my drive; between youth and adulthood; between past and future. Sappy. Yes, that's what this feeling is-- caught between sad and happy.
College has taught me how to work and be social, but I have yet to learn about the imperfections, the uncategorized, and the uncertain. I need to learn to embrace life and all of its rough transitions because I am certain this is not the only time I will feel sappy, it's just the first.
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